I’m frustrated. I can’t express myself. I was humming along just fine before brain surgeries and now I’m easily frustrated. I can’t handle changes very well. I need structure or I lose it. I’m mad at myself because I don’t like the person in my head. I feel like my brain has been taken over by someone else. Before the surgeries, before this huge change in my life, I used to adjust my personality when I didn’t like my behavior. I always told myself, if you don’t like it, change it. But now, it’s not so easy. I’m not rational. I’m quick to tear up. My blood pressures rises quickly. I don’t recognize my emotions. I’m exhausted trying to figure out what’s going on in my life and in my head.
I tried to make a new schedule, an easier schedule one that’s more basic and THAT still overwhelmed me. I need the same routine, but life is impossible to schedule. I feel like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man panicking about Kmart underwear, without the amazing math abilities.
The worst part is that I can’t expect other people to understand me because I can’t explain myself to myself.