Monthly Archives

August 2012

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My Fitness Pal

MyFitnessPal From being so sedentary the past month and a half, I’ve gained a few pounds. It falls somewhere between the seven to ten pound mark of pure lard. No big deal though, I found the coolest FREE app, MyFitnessPal, that counts my calories, even showing the breakdown of carbs, protein & fat, and calculates the calories that I burn. It even shows the breakdown of the vitamins and nutrients that I’ve eaten that day. I can check any deficiencies – it’s so cool! The whole thing has turned into a game. I sound like an advertisement, but I promise you it’s amazing! I use it on my phone and it’s fun to add in any new food, or exercise. I thought it would be depressing, tracking every single piece of food that goes in my mouth, but instead it has been uplifting. If I eat a big meal and I feel fat, I can check my app and so far it has shown that I’m still within my range, or I realize that I need to get out for a quick walk or jog. Instead of figuring that I’ve already ruined my calorie count, and going for more food later, I realize that I am still in the game. I’m not sure if that makes sense, hopefully it does. I’ve already lost 5 lbs. I even ate homemade margarita pizza last night, and STILL lost weight. If I keep up with my program (my goal is to lose 10 lbs), I should be at my goal weight 145 by Oct 1st. That’s exciting!! At the rate I’m going, I only have 5 pounds more to go. I’ve always had a problem eating small amounts, especially when the food is delicious, but it was fun creating a healthy-ish meal like…

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New Drink

This drink is so good that Danny actually craves it. That says a lot. 1 banana2 large handfuls of spinach2 large kale leaves (deveined) 7 sprigs of mint (deveined)1 cup L&A pineapple and coconut juice 1/2 cup of cold water*add ice to thicken if you’d like The drink is 352 calories (the entire blender) and it can serve two, or a starving person, or save it in the fridge and blend it again when you’re ready to serve. You can’t even taste the greens, it’s amazing! It’s important, if you can’t get L&A you can pick any pure fruit juice – no sweeteners of any kind, natural or not. Enjoy!! ๐Ÿ™‚

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First Solo Run

I just finished my first jog around green lake! Four miles round trip. Score! Now I don’t have to be afraid of having a seizure while I go out. I just needed to set a precedence. Of course, now I don’t have the excuse of not exercising ๐Ÿ™‚ It took a month and a half to get back to running alone, but who cares, I’m back!! That loop was a huge success, and I made it through by thinking of all of you supporting me. Then, through the dusk, my face tickled by mosquitos, I sprinted out the final half mile in Ethan’s honor. It was powerful.

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Creating Ripples

โ€œRemember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.โ€ -Scott Adams I’m feeling much better. It happened just after I hit, “Post” last Friday. Somehow, I don’t completely understand it and I should never forget, blogging purges me of my pent up emotions. Yes, death is scary, but I don’t normally dwell on mine. It’s too morbid, too dreary, too negative, and counterproductive to my happiness (or anyone’s really). All I want in life is to enjoy the good things, to fill my soul with happiness. And on that note, I’m going to take Emma on a walk in the sunshine. Hopefully I don’t sound flippant, but if that’s the case, I guess that’s just how things go sometimes. The emotions ebb and flow.

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Between A Hard Place & A Hard Place

Hi Friends. I am sorry that I haven’t written in a bit. I’ve been depressed. I’ve been trying to get my butt in gear here and there, but for the most part I haven’t had the energy to do much. I’ve been pretty shaken up by Ethan’s death, then Kathi Goertzen’s death which was technically due to pneumonia but was truly a complication from her brain tumor. A few days after that I heard that Tony Scott the famous director killed himself allegedly because he was diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer. When I heard that he jumped to his death I thought to myself, “Does he know something I don’t know? How bad will this get? Will I regret this journey?” The concept of death has been swirling around me. It’s in the air in each room slowly suffocating me. Each time it nudges me, I turn my head and try to ignore what it whispers in my ear, but just trying to ignore Death’s comments have zapped me of all energy. The worst part about the whole thing is that I’m incredibly healthy (other than Hermie obviously). I have EVERYTHING going for me. I have a fabulous life with a wonderful man whom I adore. I have a safe home. I have wonderful friends and a great family. I get it. Conceptually, I understand my great fortune. But, sometimes, I get torn between fear of the monster in my brain, about the projected future of my disease and denial. I can’t seem to live in just one life (fear) or the other (denial). Instead I oscillate, fighting, fulling knowing that I if I don’t accept the truth of my situation (whatever that means) I’ll crumble. And that makes me frustrated. Life is too short to fall apart, and I…

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Share The Love

Just this afternoon, I found out that a high school friend passed away over the weekend. A week ago, Ethan sent me a message letting me know that he read the blog from time to time and that he felt inspired by what I write, and what I’m going through. I was shocked by the message, and incredibly moved. I have felt so vulnerable, and to get his love and support helped empower me. Please remember that in just a few sentences, a few words, a little message or note, you can completely change someone’s future. I’m not saying this for my sake. I’m not asking for people to send me messages. I’m sharing this story with you so that Ethan’s love can be spread to others. Please take a moment to remember how quickly life can change. Please decide to say the things that you’ve been meaning to say. A small kindness, that takes only a few moments, can ultimately change the direction of another person’s life. Words are powerful. Wes & Ethan Edholm I learned that we lost Ethan this afternoon, and this evening I learned that we lost Kathi Goertzen, the local anchor woman. She had been battling brain tumors for the past 14 years. Today is a crisp reminder to cherish each moment, each friend, each love, each family member, the cool breeze, the scent of summer air, each bumblebee and gorgeous green leaf. Please take a moment to read this, then close your eyes and take a deep a breath – slowly inhaling as much as you can. Savor the smells around you, they might be sweet, of fresh air, or the pungent scent of a stagnant dinner. Either way, you’re alive; remember that you’re lucky. Don’t miss the opportunity to relish each moment, life…

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On The Up & Up

Things are getting better, I just have to get out of my head. I’m not sure if that makes sense. The seizure issue, for me personally, is a mind game. I can easily work myself up into a very fearful state, or I can calmly remind myself that I’m doing fine, that I’m just overheated, maybe it’s very sunny, that my heart rate is up because of the conditions, not because I’m about to have a seizure. I’m getting to the point where I feel “normal” and much more strong physically, and mentally. I still have fear, but Dan and I have been working on pushing my limits. I went for a walk with my friend Lauren the other day, Dan and I made it to PCC and Home Depot (both driving), and Dan and I have even gone running a couple of times. It might sound silly, but each time I’m out of the house is a major success. I’m excited to try and get out of the house on my own. I bet the first time I do anything will be a run around the neighborhood. So far, running has been my rock. It removes anxiety, gives me strength physically, and emotionally. It puts me back to my roots, grounds me, and empowers me. The florescent lights of the real world, the sirens and traffic, all give me (and probably a lot of people) anxiety, but when I’m out breathing fresh air, eying the various plants, birds, random pets, and vibrant people out there, I always end up smiling and feeling human, alive, happy, and grateful. I should clarify, normally, when I don’t have seizure activity I am absolutely fine with sounds, bright lights, hectic situations or life in general, but when I’m on overload I have to…

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Attack Followout

I’ve been depressed and I’m embarrassed to talk about it. In fact, I’ve been avoiding the topic, hoping it would just get better – but it isn’t getting better. In fact it’s getting worse. It’s not like every moment of every day is horrible, but I feel trapped. I’ve become agoraphobic due to the auras and seizure. I’m afraid of getting too hot, becoming too stressed, getting stuck where it’s too bright, too noisy, too many people, too intense of questions, of hearing a Romanian accent, the speed of moving vehicles, the list goes on. I know I sound ridiculous, and I’m disgusted with myself, but I’m just completely overwhelmed. I worked my way up to Eric and Laura’s wedding, resting the week before, mentally preparing myself. I really, really wanted to go the wedding, and I was nervous, but I made it. Originally, I felt like it might be too much, and I asked Danny to go without me, but he refused. He didn’t want to leave me. So, I pushed through to make sure I could make it. I didn’t want to be the reason why Dan wasn’t able to attend his best friend’s wedding. Everything worked out fine, we had a WONDERFUL time, but now, getting back to life with the move and everything, it’s tough.  It’s incredibly hard to understand the waves of dizziness, of the overheating and physical dynamics that happen when my body is stressed. It can come in an instant, when you’re least expecting. I’m terrified to leave the house. I’ve tried getting to the store, or for a walk or two – always with Dan, but I feel unsafe getting very far away from our home. We’ve had to cut our outings short, or the fear overcomes me as we’re just leaving…

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New Neighbor

My new neighbor! See if you can find him. I thought it was someone’s lost exotic bird chirping outside our window this morning, but when I glanced off the balcony I saw the culprit. An adorable little fellow who was probably looking for a furry tail to chase. I’m going to drive Danny crazy, but I think I’ll need to add a couple of new feeders to our mix ๐Ÿ™‚ Life’s not just about the birds anymore. We’re pooped – Danny much more than me. He has been working the swing shift this week. Since we’ve been dealing with our old landlords, packing, moving, counseling appointments, and of course switching our address & utilities with various companies (all the medical, etc.). Danny got five hours of sleep today, the day before was 2.5 hours, and the day before that it was 1.5. I think he might be more stubborn than me! I keep trying to force him into naps, but he’s a big guy. I can’t even tackle him, he just keeps walking, laughing all the while. Luckily, he’s sleeping right now, and hopefully when he wakes up for work he’ll be rested. I feel guilty though, I head to sleep while he’s headed to work. I can’t sleep well, I worry like my mother (sorry mom) that he might get hurt, perhaps get too sleepy to safely drive home. Soon things will settle down, and I’m excited for that point. We both yearn for a regular schedule, with great sleep, healthy home cooked food (it took awhile for us to find silverware and other necessities), weight training, runs around the lake, and most of all a cozy, stable home where we feel safe. We’re getting there, little by little, and it’s a great feeling! Life goes in waves, and…

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